She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
