# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
vagina is talking i cant
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
