i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
