i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
