when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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