I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
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Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
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In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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