The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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