hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
