All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Randomize
