I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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