Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
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on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
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We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly