can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.