yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
