Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
