Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
