That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My underwear smells like fireworks.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
