neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I love you. Go after that dick
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
