god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
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you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
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Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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