How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
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my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
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Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
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