onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
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What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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