just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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