My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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