so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
