I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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