I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
