I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
