I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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