she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
