yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
