I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
