it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I deserve this hangover.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Drunk is a universal language darling
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!