Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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