How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
