you didnt know i had herpes?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
