At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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