Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
