Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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