I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
