It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
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Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
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Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.