the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
