i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
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