Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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