Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself