My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
