He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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