If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
