I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Just invented taco cereal.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
