Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
