Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
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Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
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He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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