Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
The Olympian is in my bed
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
