I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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