Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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