I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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