i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
