i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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