in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
