I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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