Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just forgot I was standing up.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
