I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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