"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
time to smoke my breakfast
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
