My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i love accidental penises.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
