Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
