I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
